I'm not really sure how to ever start posts because I have trouble really coming up with a real tangible thought on what to talk about. It's been a very long time since I've written in a blog, and it's been a long time since I even worked this hard on a site. It's finally finished, and I'm glad, but there's a sense of sadness that comes along with completing it with the age old question, 'Now what?'. (Click the post title for the full post)

I won't say that things are bad right now, because they're not. They're not great, but they are definitely quickly reaching that point. Anyone who has been following me for a while has probably seen quite a few of my ups and downs, and may have thought that that was a little weird. Well, you'd be right, it is weird.

You see, the thing that I use blogs for is more of a journal. If people happen to read it, so be it. I never get too personal, but it's a helpful way for me to just get things out of my mind. I had really forgotten how good it felt to just sit down and write something out, until starting this.

A few things I wanted to write about today, the first being the website. So, the site went down abruptly quite some time ago, because the server it was hosted on was no longer accessible by me. Which is fine, but I had no way of getting anything I had back. That included the database the held all of my old blog posts. That honestly is probably a good thing, minus the technical stuff I had written out. I may have an old, old database somewhere on my laptop, but it's very doubtful since it was a soft-link to the database from Ghost. There's a part of me that's sort of sad about that, but a bigger part that's kind of happy. It's time I started fresh, don't you think? Since the last time I wrote anything my life has had more ups and downs. I stopped working on anything for a long time. I got really depressed, couldn't really find the motivation to want to work on anything. I guess that's why I've been putting so much energy into it now, I'm really trying hard to get out of myself out of this rut I've been in, mentally, emotionally. I'm at this point where I really just had to take the first step. The first step for me to do that was to focus a lot of energy on getting the site back up. I mean, no one really looks at it, gets a little traffic here and there, but for myself it's something I had to do.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to be writing about most of the time, I don't know if I'll really fully get back into writing about Linux related things. I've been out of the game for so long...my laptop (though it's currently dead) hasn't been updated in like over a year. That update mess is going to be a real pain in the ass. I don't even know if Portage will be able to handle it on it's own, I may be better off reinstalling Funtoo from scratch. I'll definitely need to get that kernel config off there, and then I had a good ~/.asoundrc because ALSA had the most ridiculous time with playing nice with the sound card that was in the laptop. To be fair, it shipped with Ubuntu, which of course comes with the all terrible pulseaudio. I'm willing to bet if I would have bit the bullet and compiled pulse it would have been fine.

I guess I should probably talk a little bit about what's going on in my personal life...I did end up meeting someone, which has been really nice. Remember how I used to write about how I was gonna just be alone cause it was easier? Well, by the looks of it life had other plans. Things with that have been going well, no real major snags. I hope that there won't be any. I had taken so much time convincing myself that I was okay being alone, because while it's sort of...lonely..it's easier. I never really had to worry too much about anything because it was just me. But, after meeting this wonderful young woman, things have changed in my mind for the better. I feel the real desire to get out of this rut, because it's not just me anymore. I think I had reached a point of being okay with being in a rut. Essentially I had given up, and she has helped me see that that's not where I really want to be. For her sake, I will not divulge any more information on it, but just know that I've met someone and I'm very happy.

My cat will be turning 7 this year, which is really crazy to think about. I can't believe that I've had her for that long. She really hasn't grown much from when she was a baby. She is a really sweet cat, though, still. I'm really happy about that. She is still as spry as ever, too, which would be bad if she wasn't considering she's still fairly young. It just blows my mind that from the time I was 19, she's always been there with me. I've only had one night away from her sleeping next to me, and it was really weird. That was when I had to go get a special eye test like 6 hours away.

Lately, I've been really listening to a lot of music that I listened to when I was a bit younger. That was one thing about having older sisters was having a very wide range of taste in music. Right now I'm listening to Here's to the Night by Eve 6. I think this song came out in the year 2000? Somewhere around there. I don't know what it's been, maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic. It's all good music, though, so it's not like I'm sitting here laughing at it. I'm sitting here more thinking to myself, 'Why did I ever stop listening to this?'. Which is really a good question. I think that's just sort of what happens, though. You kinda move on from times in your life. For me, music has always been something that I've used to sort of gauge my emotions. I've never really been that great at expressng myself, it always comes out with 'I don't know, I guess, I don't know, I guess...' and so on and so forth. I've always used music as a tool to sort of bridge that gap for people, more or less. Sometimes lyrics really speak to you, you know? And you're thinking to yourself, 'Wow, this song was made for me'. And while that's not true, the mere fact that it fits so perfectly in that moment is enough.

Anyway, so through out life I've had these songs that perfectly fit the situation I was going through. For instance, when Timmy died, the song that was around that really just felt like it was perfect for the situation was You're Never Over by Eminem. Because that was a song about him losing his best friend. It just made sense. Or when I moved to California, the song that really stuck out in my head at the time was The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin, because I was starting this new part of my life searching for some sort of 'resolution' to the issues I was facing back then. And right now, the song that I've got going through my head that would describe whatever it is I'm feeling is Swim by Jack's Mannequin, (if you didn't know by now, one of my all time favorite bands) because sometimes life gets to be a little tough and you gotta just keep moving forward.

Well, that's it from me for today. Was helpful to get some of this out of my mind. Thanks for reading.

tags: personal